Monday, October 1, 2012

Poster Child For Bringing Back Spankings



I live in a neighborhood where the houses are way too close together.

I have a neighbor with two kids, school-aged children, like eight and ten years old.  The boy is younger than the girl.  Other than occasionally sighting the girl getting on or off the bus, I wouldn't know she even existed.

But that boy.  Ugh, that boy!  Their house is on the side of my house where my bedroom lies and every morning from 6:30 to 6:48 I get to listen to him SCREECH at the top of his lungs while running around their driveway before he gets on the school bus.

I'm not sure I can describe this screech in a manner a reader could understand.  Banshee comes to mind, but doesn't quite do it justice.  It makes my eye twitch.  The fillings in my teeth hurt.  To add insult to injury, he torments the dogs in the yard behind me with his high-pitched wail so that they bark for a good hour afterward. How can I describe it?

How about the sound of a girl being eaten alive by ants?

Cutting someone's leg off with nail clippers?

Steve Carell getting his chest waxed in The 40-Year Old Virgin?  No.  Not high pitched enough.

If a serial killer was murdering a woman by stabbing her to death with a corn holder, it might come close.

In the two years since they have moved in, I've lost some of my hearing, I often think the ringing in my ears are the echos of his yelling that starts my day Monday through Friday 180 days of the year.  Yeah, he's NEVER home sick.

I used to have finches trilling outside my window in the morning waking me with their sweet song of sunrise...

I haven't seen those birds since those kids moved in.  They would have to fly 800 miles away to get out of range.

I was out walking the dog with a neighbor the other evening and another neighbor came over to chat.  She brought up how annoying and loud this kid was, so I pointed next door.  "THAT kid?"  She asked how did I know, could I hear him, too?

"I'm sorry.  What?  Can you speak up?  I have tinnitus from that kid's incessant screaming."

How do the parents not know? Can they not hear it or do they simply not care how annoying their brat is?  They're probably the type that would take you to court to defend their precious boy.  He plays in the street with no regard for cars trying to pass.  If couples saw this child before getting pregnant, the human race would die out.

I want to sneak over and tell this kid about a magical place where everything is made of candy, just keeping following that trail in the woods, don't mind the coyotes, they're really fun to play with and just want to lick your face (off).

I'm tempted to abduct him and super glue his lips shut before returning him.  Then maybe, just MAYBE I could start my morning off without a migraine.  For once.


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