Thursday, April 18, 2013

Disney Left Me With Unrealistic Expectations

I just adore Disney, I watch the animated movies over and over again.  I also sing along.  But they don't really teach a girl reality.  It took me until now to realize this, but the truth has left me bereft.

Animals don't help me get dressed.  They don't sew me pretty dresses or help me clean.  I've never been carried by a dolphin and I've never had a lute playing rooster.  In fact, roosters are pretty mean.

Usually when I talk to an animal it either runs away, attacks like a rabid rhesus monkey, or looks at me like I need to be institutionalized.  Actually I was attacked by a chicken once trying to talk to it and it pecked me to the point of developing a phobia about barnyard fowl.  

My cat used to put a paw over my mouth to shut me up.  True story.

Pocahontas is a beautiful, sexy girl having an affair with an older, handsome man.  Wasn't she like twelve?  Probably frowned upon.  I'm pretty sure that's called statutory rape.

I have rubbed, polished, and stroked (to the point of being a little creepy) every lamp I've ever found and no genie has ever popped out and granted me wishes.  I've also thrown countless coins into numerous wells only to learn I no longer had enough money for the ice cream truck and those coins are corroded and probably poisoning someone's water supply.  Sorry about that.

I don't care how well I clean up.  A handsome, rich prince on a steed and/or with a castle is not coming to sweep me off my feet.  They certainly don't hang out at Walmart, wouldn't care to hold my dry, over-worked hands, and no matter how well I sing, I will never have a sparkly diamond crown on my head unless I win the lottery.  

He'd probably be a jerk anyway. 

I do have a rhinestone tiara and a lot of alone time, though...

Being a rebel and running away to seek what you want and get away from your too-mean parents that don't understand you, doesn't get you your true love.  Fact.  You aren't smiled upon with parental love and respect because you've stood up for what you want in life.  You're reprimanded, grounded.  

And where were those stupid animals that were supposed to help you?  Somewhere in the woods avoiding the crazy lady with the rhinestone tiara on her head!

And I'll tell you something else while I'm at it; no Jamaican-accented crab is going to rally the sea troops to help make that non-existent prince kiss you either.

When you grow up, you realize that your Happy Ending isn't what you dreamed it would be.  There is no gold gilded carriage.  It doesn't mean you can't be happy, but I woke up next to Goofy instead of Prince Charming and I'm pretty sure my husband will never ride a horse, carry me into the sunset, or have an animal band playing exit music in some exotic locale.  

I will never be transformed into a beauty to be envied and no Fairy Godmother will sprinkle sparkly things over my head and make my problems go away.

I do have laughter and I can still escape into my animated dreams wearing my almost-a-Princess tiara!

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