Dear Guy Who Just Made My Burrito:
Have you ever been to earth?
On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla
filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least
got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you
and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins
for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same
mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed
you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me
explain:
You’re an idiot.
Let me further explain:
Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means
when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that
direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When
you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layers lengthwise. That
way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of
ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped
in a goddamned cilantro cavern.
Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking
day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF
THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.
When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down
on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their
jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done,
since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity
and have it taste like a burrito.
And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess
anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell
over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:
Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob.
Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then
DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I
would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE
RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.
Nope.
My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE
YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU
BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING
CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA
POCKET.
You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.
And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up
and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY
FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT
THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK
TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS
BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.
What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time?
IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY
STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.
I just want a burrito.
In conclusion:
You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the
universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination,
and I hope your babies look like monkeys.
UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”:
A fucking fork?
I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD.
If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD
BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER.
That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking
wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE
AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE
YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL.
Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of
each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS.
A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m
fucking sobbing now.
People eat burritos with forks?
God is sorry he made us.
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