Friday, March 14, 2014

Don't Be A Joghole

I'm just sitting here today, enjoying the delights of Spring.

Tulips are pushing up through the mulch, spring colors are emerging.  A bluebird alights on the feeder.  (Welcome back old friend.)  Buntings are chasing each other in a battle over mailboxes for nests.  The sun is warming my feet in a slash of distorted light through the window.  The sky seems bluer as warmer weather finally approaches.

My coffee is tall and iced, not hot.  My legs are shaved, not covered in sweats.  Then suddenly, my serene moment is ruined as I watch a jogger run by.

Several seconds pass.  There is no pack of wild rabid dogs in pursuit.  There is no trail of blood.  Maury is still on so it's not a zombie apocalypse.  That can only mean one thing...

Jogging for the fun of it.

Look you health nut, buy a treadmill!  You're ruining the comfort of my Snuggie.  Now my chips taste bad and I don't care if it is nine in the morning.  It's people like you that are making my life Hell.

I don't want a bran muffin from Dunkin Donuts and God help the kid behind the counter if my sugary snack touches such an abomination!

I don't want my choice of grains, fruits, and nutty oils at the grocery.  What happened to my Captain Crunch?  It's on a bottom shelf because the eye-level boxes are covered in antioxidants, vitamins, and healthy ingredient claims.  Soy milk and soy ice cream.  WTF?

BAH!  Go away!  

They have specialty stores for peope like you.  They only sell healthy stuff, the patrons mock people not wearing neon skin when they enter, customers ride bikes there, they use recycled paper bags for losers like me that don't bring my own reusable ones.  Stop infiltrating my sanctuaries!

Google jogger images.  They're all smiling.

Don't you believe it!  It's a lie!  It's a conspiracy to get me to put down my spray cheese.

Nobody is smiling as they pass my house.  They are all red-faced and sweating, wheezing like they smoke and we all know they don't smoke or they wouldn't be jogging!  Stop ruining my day with your ridiculous desire to be fit.  Go to the park or the gym, that's why they exist, so people like you won't be mocked by people like me.

You aren't going to influence me.  I'm not going to dust off my hightop Reeboks.  I will not climb in the attic and look for my silver astronaut jumper.  I certainly will not remove my ankle weights from the bottoms of my saplings, protecting them from the weed whacker.  There will be no resurrection of the head band and leg warmers.  Much less a second skin of neon reflective gear!

Leave me to enjoy my chocolate mornings in peace and stop being such a joghole!

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