Monday, August 5, 2013

The Reality Of Middle Age And Fashion

I recently started receiving catalogs from many new companies I've never shopped with before.  Perhaps they are affiliates of my favorite boutiques?  Maybe they got my name off some obscure website I visited once upon a time.

No matter, it's the target audience I'm questioning.  For me, "cold shoulder" equates to "room for arm fat".  And what's with this top?  Are we going into battle on a futuristic planet?  Why is she squatting?

My lithe twenties have passed me by decades ago.  Although in my dreams I am my current older self, I am often once again thinner and able to move without creaks and pops.  In real life, it takes me twenty minutes to get out of bed and into the bathroom because my joints don't quite work the way they used to.

I flip through these tantalizing pages of potential beauty and sex appeal and laugh.  Usually out loud.

The other day I was shopping for a tee shirt.  A specific one at Eddie Bauer.  They didn't have that particular style, but I was offered by an eager sales girl some "fabulously comfortable leggings" with a printed tee that wouldn't even cover my mid section.

Seriously?  I get those "People of Walmart" memes, I know what she's up to and I wasn't born yesterday!

I have feet like Bilbo Baggins.  Try squeezing my size tens in those and you'll have toes poking out like weeds in sidewalk cracks.  Forget trying to walk in these.  I have visions of scraped palms, a bone shattered (possibly a hip), but in none of my fantasies does a handsome doctor roll my stretcher into the Emergency Room, look me over and say, "Sexy shoes.  Are you married?"

The reality would be, "Are you crazy?  You can't walk in shoes like that with your weight balanced on a toothpick.  Nurse call psychiatric while we put her in X-ray.  And somebody cut these things off her feet, her toes are purple from lack of circulation..."

And what the Hell is that?  In case I get mugged by a sea urchin I'll have the ability to fight back?

Do I want to be old?  NO.  But please, can't we make sweats/yoga pants and large tees somewhere between bootylicious and old-lady-cruise-wear for normal, every day people?  

We are moms, or even grandmothers, we have kids, pets, car pools, jobs, and errands.  I don't dance on a pole, battle medieval knights, or frequent street corners outside trendy clubs on weekends.

I love heels, I do, even at five foot nine, I'll tower to six-one in a normal looking shoe with some comfort padding in the insole, I mean you know, to dinner and back and they usually end up being carried into the house, but I love a good, pretty shoe.  

I'll even put on a nice leopard or zebra print.  I'm not so stymied that I'm in a monochromatic cotton jumpsuit, but I certainly don't need a top where I have to tape it down so my nipples don't show or wear something underneath to keep my twins from taking center stage.

I would love to not only find a pair of boots that would fit over my jeans like every little girl on TV, but how about a pair that fits over my bare calf for the love of God?!?  Why are things only made in size swizzle stick??

And this:

This is not a costume.  This is an actual jacket for sale for every day wear/use.  Unless I start handing out poisoned apples, I'm pretty sure it will never grace the inside of my closet.

**These are actual, current fashions from catalogs I've received within the past two weeks.  Can someone please tell the fashion world that it is OUR generation that spends the most money on fashion and they'd sell a lot more it they'd tone it down, cover it up, and make it comfortable, not creepy?

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