New England "Monster Storm" Has Residents Scrambling

Record-setting snow is expected to begin in New England this morning.  Stores are sold out of supplies, people are running around to prepare for this terrible winter hazard in a frenzy...

Really?

You live in New England and it's snowing.

Again:  You live...in New England...and it's snowing.

Why is this a surprise?  It's like Florida's panhandle freaking out over a hurricane.  Just because you've had a few mild years doesn't mean global warming has stopped winter altogether.

Oh no!  We live in a Northern, wet climate.  It's winter.  We're getting snow!!  Call the National Guard!  Blame Obama.  (he gets blamed for everything else, just thought I'd toss that in)

Panic!  People aren't panicking enough!

I'm from a hurricane state.  We expect this, we prepare for this, we stock up for this.  I've lived in the Dakotas, winter meant supplies in-home and in your car, keeping your tanks full, keeping extra blankets, flashlights, and batteries on hand.  You live in New England, this should not be news.

People in Oklahoma build tornado shelters below ground.  Because they live in Tornado Alley.

(Greater Boston blizzard of 1978)

Yes, you got a hurricane this year.  To the hurricane people, we rolled our eyes, but it's a valid point on your part. If New Orleans was hit with three feet or more of snow, panic should ensue.

Boston:  your seasonal average is 41.3 inches of snow, just because you didn't get it by February doesn't mean you won't get it.  You're just getting it all at once this year.

For you New Englanders:  Buck up!  Enjoy the time off with your kids.  Sleep in, roast marshmallows over a fire, and get creative with the snowmen, stay off the roads, but please (good grief) calm down.

Death By Booby Trap: A True Story

In Washington State, a 51 year old man was found smothered to death under his girlfriend's breasts in a trailer park.

I'm not kidding.

After neighbors called for a domestic disturbance, hearing him yell at her to get off of him, the police found her atop his dead body.  Both of them were bruised and she is facing manslaughter charges. She was an inch shorter and outweighed him by a mere twenty pounds, which was what I can only I assume was all in her chest.

Last November it nearly happened in Germany.  I man was forced by his girlfriend head first into her breasts then held in place until he passed out.

He told police, "I couldn't tear myself free and I thought I was going to die.”

Hold that thought while I catch my breath from laughing.

In Britain, a woman nearly smothered her boyfriend in 2010 during a rather raucous time in the bedroom.  Her cup size?  40LL, I'm not even sure how big that is, I did however look it up, it must be substantial enough to be considered weapons.  Their relationship did not survive and she is now giving modeling a try.

She's starting at the top.  (more laughter)

These true stories are not to be confused by the fake one that circulated about the bachelor party where the groom was suffocated by a stripper's rather ridiculously large implants.

Clearly, regulations must be set to control just how large a woman's breasts may actually be.  Implant sizes must have a cap (pun intended) and naturals should be reduced if necessary and it's obvious the government must pay for this to protect their brotherhood.  (still laughing)

(that's just disgusting)

This growing trend is merely a stepping stone to future attempts.  No longer will women need guns, knives, scissors, SUV's, or hit men.  Simply put, they will lure them into the bedroom, play dominatrix, and claim it was an accident.

Listen up all you males who secretly wish your partner had more ample assets:  Women don't kill men, boobs do.

All of this being said tongue-in-cheek, I'm still laughing at how ridiculous it is, but I would be interested in seeing how the trial goes to the one that succeeded in killing her man.  What's her defense...?