My Kryptonite Is Poison Ivy

After twenty-seven years of military traveling and fourteen moves...I finally got my dream home in the country.  Sort of.

Rarely do dreams homes come without work.  Painting, gardening, and especially unpacking.  Mine also came with a mailbox held up by rocks with many-legged inhabitants.

Six hours of digging in the rocky ground full of the remains of the last ice age's boulders and we completed that project.

Two days later I have poison ivy popping up everywhere.  My ankles, the back of my knees, my neck, my arms, and now it's in my hair.  MY HAIR.  I can't control how I sleep or what I touch while unconscious...

Trying to prevent the spread, I have so many band-aids on, I look like I survived a wood chipper.

So there I am at the doc's begging for help.  She says, "How'd you get it in your hair?"

"Oh you know, I made a crown of it so the wee folk would recognize me as their queen....I DON'T KNOW, JUST FIX IT!"

Apparently there's little else to do, but treat topically, stop scratching (yeah right) and take a steroid.  So I'm washing my hair with stuff for the rash, no hair products and I can't put my contacts in because my hands may be contaminated.  

My husband has one little spot that got in a cut.  You'd think he was dying.  Boo.  Hoo.

It's bad enough I look like Merida (from Brave) anyway, but no gel or mousse?  Looks like we're eating whatever's in the house until I can go out again when this clears up or my haz-mat suit arrives.

Let's see, we've got some celery, vegetable crackers, some jello, and a dusty can of clam chowder....

ADD Became ADHD Became...Did You Say Fleas?

A few years ago I met the husband of a friend for the first time and he asked if I had ADD.

Pffsht, no.  Just...you know... a lot of caffeine intake, makes me a Chatty Cathy!  I mean wine does too, which is why I don't drink much, because I'll tell everyone's secret if I'm drinking.

Back in the day it was just called ADD, but I guess too many people started doing math and they threw in an "H".

I have a high IQ, that's not bragging, just something I guess I was born with.  They say talking to yourself is a sign of genius, so I thought my random world-problem solving in my head and nonsensical verbage was normal.

The tangents I can take because I have so much going on in my head is astounding.  My son will snap his fingers in my face to get my attention and my husband often tells me to "focus".  They both try to finish my sentences because if I want to tell you something, it can take a while.

So whether it's ADD or as we now call it ADHD, it's the same thing to me and no I don't have it.  Or do I?

Driving my son to drop him off at college was five hours of fun.  The first hour was quiet while he brooded in the passenger seat and I made idle chit-chat.  Then we pass a sign for a town and I ask aloud, "What is that town known for?  Why have I heard of it?"

I should backtrack and say we just moved to Connecticut two months ago and I'm from the South.  Therefore I have zero clue about the area.

My son was trying to say he had no idea, but I was still talking out loud."It's not famous for historical figures, I don't think.  I didn't house hunt this far west.  No sports teams.  Maybe it's where that giant flea market is.  Or that dog breeder?  (laughing) Did you say fleas?"

I looked over at my son.  "Fleas, that's funny.  Like a flea circus?"

He had the oddest look on his face and said, "I didn't say anything.  That's all you.  You've been talking to yourself for the past ten minutes."

Now I'm laughing harder because I realize I heard myself say "flea market" and just inserted him into the conversation.

He still looks irritated and asked if there was a smaller, tiny version of me sitting on the other shoulder talking in my ear.

Laughing harder.

Deadpan, "You know you're crazy, right?"

I almost had to pull the car over because I could barely see through the tears, my tummy hurt, and I couldn't breathe I was laughing so hard.

When I got myself under control and things returned to normal conversation, there was a lull and I started laughing again.  My son looked out the side window and asked stoically, "She's talking to you again isn't she?"

When I managed to catch my breath after the next bout of laughter, I just mused, "Maybe I do have ADD."

On this long drive, I was driving my son's car, my husband was following behind us.  I guess I was driving erratically because he called and asked if we were ok and the laughter started all over again.

Sidenote for PC people:  For those suffering or know someone who has ADHD, this is meant to poke fun at myself, not disparage anyone.